Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I lost the right to judge tonight
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
