oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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