it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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