Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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