Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
