Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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