he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
