no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
