I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
