I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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