8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
