My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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