you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
