I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
