Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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