I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
