please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
