hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
