I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
