I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
