I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize