please come you make the beer taste better
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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