I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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