i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
