I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
