I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
sex in a hospital.. check
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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