I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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