I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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