my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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