so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
