I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
