I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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