I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
