yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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