I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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