Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
