i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize