yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I need to sanitize my soul.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize