It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
