I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
