Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
