Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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