You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
