i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
