im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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