i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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