Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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