so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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