No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
