Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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