Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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