if i can run in heels then i can drive
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You may now shotgun with the bride
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
