i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My vagina is very pro this idea
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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