My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
