I just cut my nipple shaving
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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