my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
