I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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