goodnight i made you a song goodbye
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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