He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
