I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
