I think im going to throw up on grandma
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize