Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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