I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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