my phone needs a breathalizer
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
