apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize