lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
