filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
