I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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