woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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